An Interview With Marilyn: Part 5

The Enneagram for Self-Care

Interviewer: How does the Enneagram help us step into our self-awareness, start thinking about what we need, and set boundaries? What makes the Enneagram a good tool for self-care?

Marilyn: The idea is that there is a false self, and a true self. Our true self is what we’re born as—whether you want to call it spirit, divine, soul, essence, anything like that.

The minute we leave the womb we have to have some way of dealing with things not being the way they should be, where things are no longer perfect. Over time, we develop a personality as a way to deal with an embodied life. We form an identity, and our worth gets defined by things like whether we earn enough money, or somebody loves us—external things that determine our value. And that’s called the “false self.” That’s what the Enneagram is really describing: the false self. For me, as an Enneagram Type 4, there’s sort of an overall feeling that I’m defective but I have to prove that I’m not, whether it’s because I’m artistic, or that I’ve found love, or somebody loves me. 

I believe we don’t have to work at our gifts or our essence—that’s who we are. But we have to learn what’s not true. And that’s what the Enneagram is really describing: it’s a method of subtraction, if you will. If you know what’s not true, then truth can reveal itself.

As an example, with envy, the idea is that “If I had what you have, then I’d be happy.” In my earlier years, it might be, “If I had your boyfriend,” or “If I had your eat-in kitchen,” I’d be happy, or I’d be lovable, really. The idea is that the desire and longing is the right energy, but the attention is going towards the eat-in kitchen, or the boyfriend, and that’s not what’s gonna do it. When you start realizing that those aren’t the things that are gonna make you happy, you can pause and start to change. 

There’s a saying: “There are two ways to hit bottom: one is by losing everything you have and the other is by gaining everything you want.” I’ve had a lot of losses in life, and I’ve probably learned more by getting what I thought was going to be the answer than by losing something. Because really what I was looking for didn’t fill that hole. The energy really is a longing to connect with what’s really real and true about you. It doesn’t mean don’t go after it—those desires or longings—but it means to be aware that it’s not gonna fill that void. It’s almost like, “I’ll find somebody to love because I’m already lovable, not to make me lovable.”

The Enneagram is really a tool to help us realize what’s not true and where to put our energies.

Interviewer: We were talking earlier about being a good parent to yourself; maybe your own internal parent for your whole life has been essentially verbally abusing you. Being able to even recognize that you’re doing it is a huge first step, and then you can tell that judgmental parent, “You know, thank you, but we don’t need you anymore, we have another parent now that’s not judgmental and cares about us and sees us. That’s gonna be our new parent; we can say goodbye to the old one.” 

Marilyn: The judgmental part can be a passenger but not the driver. Fear and anxiety can be passengers but they don’t get to drive the car. 

Interviewer: Softly authoritarian. 

Marilyn: Tough love, but it’s love. 

Interviewer: I hear you, I see you, but we’re not gonna act on this or dive into this shame. 

Marilyn: There are some things that are totally useless: shame, judgment. I do think that how we think about ourselves really matters. How we treat ourselves really matters. People who love themselves love others. 

The most important relationship you’re ever going to have is the one you have with yourself. So really pay attention to how you talk to yourself—it’s not just “pay attention to your body.” I’ll be on aisle ten of the grocery store, and milk is on aisle one, and I can say, “Fuck, you idiot,” just because I’m on the wrong aisle. If we were together, I’d never talk to you that way.

Pay attention to the judgments you have of yourself and the way that some perfectionists will say something like, “I should be judged for that.” I disagree; I think there are lessons and consequences, like you have to walk nine aisles to get more milk—that’s a lesson enough. But there’s no need for yelling.

All the parts of our brain exist to help us. Even the judgmental part at one point in time, so that we wouldn’t, say, alienate our parents or something like that. The judgmental part of us is still a defense system, you know. It’s sort of recognizing those parts. You can’t judge yourself to stop judging yourself. You have to understand that that part of you came into being to take care of you, but it’s not helpful anymore. It’s all about compassion.