An Interview with Marilyn: Part 3

Becoming Our Inner Parent

Q3: You’ve spoken about physical signs that we’re in need of self-care. How do we learn to listen to our emotional needs?

If you can, whenever you’re uncomfortable or disquieted, really train yourself, at the first stop, to pause.

Let’s say you and I were having a discussion and I started feeling angry towards you; pause and think, “Okay, what’s going in with me?” not in a judgmental way, but “What’s going in with me right now that I reacted that way?” Ten other people could be in the room and not feel angry at what you said. It’s however you perceived it. 

You know, being angry, and delivering your anger are two different things. My mentor used to say, “Knowing your anger is a matter of self-awareness; what you do with it is a matter of diplomacy.” Feeling a feeling and delivering it are two totally different things. 

Interviewer: It makes me think about this need for people to be their own parent, or be that observer of their emotions rather than getting into the thick of their emotions, and just acting out.

Marilyn: Again, it’s a choice. If the amygdala has taken over, and you feel it and deliver it at the same time—it happens. But I think you know your point about being a good parent—it’s not to put the blame on parents. Blame is not the point.

If you’ve been parented in a good enough way, you already have a good internalized parent. But if you haven’t, the good news is: You can mentor yourself into becoming your own parent.

Looking at the self to observe it is a matter of maturity. So, if you look at the prefrontal cortex as not being developed until 25 or 26, to have the ability to self-observe is an aspect of maturity. I think one way of looking at the discord and polarization in today’s world is attributable to where people are on the continuum of maturity to immaturity.