An Interview with Marilyn: Part 2

Identifying Our Self-Care Needs

Q2: What are some of the biggest signs that someone is overburdening themselves with the needs of others and should start practicing self-care?

Marilyn: Just one of the biggest signs is if you’re not comfortable. 

This may sound kind of Pollyanna-ish–but I really think that there is going to be pain and loss in life. As long as we have a body, we’re going to die, we’re going to get sick, things are going to happen.  But I think generally, I think we’re supposed to be content. Being content is the baseline. So, if you’re feeling an uncomfortable feeling, like fear, and there’s not a tiger running towards you, that’s a sign. 

So, it’s mostly in the body—if you’re tired, irritable, you’re getting sick a lot—those kinds of things are signs, too.

I talk to people all the time—and I was one of them—where the to-do list is much more important than how they feel. That’s why a lot of people get sick on weekends and on vacation, because they’re going through the week with a certain imperative; it’s not a decision, it’s just the way their brain functions because this is what it needs to do for survival. It’s not that they weren’t choosing to listen; it wasn’t a choice, a conscious choice. 

Interviewer: It’s unfortunate that a lot of people come to this place out of necessity; they are ejected out of survival mode and forced to look at themselves. 

Marilyn: There are going to be times certainly, like a mother with a child, where you can’t prioritize yourself. You know, if you’re going keep this baby alive, you can’t say, “Oh, I’m tired, whatever,” because it’s not safe. I’m not saying that it isn’t important to self-sacrifice. I think it’s about prioritizing awareness of self.

I think there also needs to be a certain atmosphere where people are really told that it’s okay to pay attention to themselves. I think there’s a lot of, “Oh, you’re well enough to go into work.” There’s shame related to being sick. 

Organizations lead with, “You’re gonna get in trouble if you don’t…” I just have a different belief about human nature. I don’t think people change by criticism. 

If I ran a doctor’s office and I had a staff, I’d want to be able to tell my staff, “If you don’t feel well, take care of yourself.” You know, “Somehow, we’ll make do.” The leader having a compassionate consciousness is important.

I used to always go to work with a runny nose, blowing my nose and coughing, while I was trying to talk to somebody about their own self-care. I think you really have to get a lot of permission, and you have to have a lot of courage to give yourself permission. To listen to what your body says, rather than what you think you should do. Surround yourself with people who give you a lot of permission, too. Make friends with people who tell you, “Do it because you want to, not because you say you should.”